For those of you not in the know, you might be thinking to yourselves, “what on earth is a Kardashian?” Rest assured it isn’t some sort of product that is doing the rounds on an e-mail scam, or is it the next biggest thing in fashion since the slanket. In fact, a Kardashian is a hybrid combination of near identically named family members looking to boost their fame and ego.
So where did it all begin? Well the Kardashians haven’t come out of nowhere and ringleader Kim Kardashian isn’t just the latest piece of arm candy for deluded hip-hop dweeb Kanye West. Kim’s been around much longer than that, and just like fellow socialite Paris Hilton she was the accidental star of her very own grot flick.
Emotions might have been frayed and tears may rolled down her cheeks over the sex tape, but she and the rest of the Kardashian clan got a reality show out of it didn’t they? High fives all round then.
Now in season seven of the reality show, it almost feels like we’ve been growing up with a family who’ve barged their way into our lives and the celebrity circuit.
Initially the centrepiece of the show were sisters Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian. It is important to let you know that they their psychotic mother Kris Jenner didn’t name them as a tribute to the Ku Klux Klan hate group. After all, Khloe did marry a black man. No tension there then.
Originally, the opening seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians included various episodes that showed the girls bickering over everyday mundane things that we can all relate to; such as all the sisters not being allowed to sign into the same lucrative perfume deal they were all promised and squabbles over picking a car which led to Kim Kardashian potentially leaving forever. Sadly for us, she never did.
Multiple spin off series have come off the back of the main version, indicating that we’re all very easily entertained. Similar melodramatic scenes in Miami and New York have followed, lowering TV standards that little bit further. How can we all forger that live wedding on E! Entertainments very own channel? Some cynics have even got as far as saying that the 72 day wedding was done for publicity and money. What tosh! We know that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were meant to be together. His name even started with a “k” for God’s sake.
But following these basics is fairly easy. As more family members have worked themselves into the show (and why wouldn’t you- it’s easier than working) it’s become harder to keep track of this cavalcade of halfwits. So we’ll leave you with our handy cut-out-and-keep cheat sheet. Make sure you revise, there’ll be an exam at the end*
Kardashians Character Guide
Kris Jenner – The boss of the family, she’ll grab any opportunity to push herself into anybody else’s business. Not one to hold back the tears, she’ll somehow relate every situation back to her and complain until somebody listens. Hopefully she’ll be left on a desert island this series.
Bruce Jenner – Ahhh Bruce, the person who looks the most out of place in the series. Long suffering husband of Kris Jenner, this retired Olympic athlete spends most of days being shouted at, playing golf and usually suggeting the answers to problems but being ignored. Poor Bruce, he needs a hug.
Kylie and Kendall Jenner – If you thought that enough “k” based names had been created, then think again. These additional offspring are half sisters of KKK.
Rob Kardashian – Because he’s not a girl, there isn’t much Kris Jenner can do. He’s almost the mongrel of the Kardashian namesake. People vaguely sense that he’s there, but only notice him when he harps on about his deceased father Robert Kardashian – the lawyer who somehow got O. J. Simpson off the hook. He’s the only one of the family who has a grain of intelligence running through him.
Scott – Married to Kourtney Kardashian, he’s like a second hand salesman who’d appear on a budget version of Dragon’s Den. Always one to invest in a business idea, he’s had a few comedic episodes involving alcohol and always seems to be attending counselling. He’s hilarious, so expect the same this time round.
Lemar – Partner of Khloe Kardashian, these two got married after knowing each other for eight days. Will there be any form of confrontation? Probably, reality shows aren’t known for their self-effacing subtlety.
Kris Humphries – This is the first series of the show after that slightly dismal marriage to Kim Kardashian. Surely the show’s producers wouldn’t explicitly emphasise this fact to stir up some tension and drama? He looks as intelligent as a vinegar smothered chip, so he’ll no doubt be arguing with someone. Even if it’s his own reflection.
If you have E! Online, you can watch the new series of Keeping Up With The Kardashians there from 28 June. If you don’t- lucky you
*There’s not really an exam. However, there is a GCSE in Gullibility Studies.