That, and torrential rain.
It’s come a long way since the days of Nasty Nick. Back then, it was a surprise that someone on a reality show would behave like a big tossbasket, now it’s virtually compulsory. We don’t know who’s going into the house, but we can be sure they’ll be more irritating than the lovechild of the Go Compare tenor and really painful piles.
So, sit back, relax, and let’s mock the merry heck out of this bunch of reprobrates. I’ll be updating from 9pm, so hit refresh to see the latest gags and please don’t forget to join in in the comment box, it makes me feel every so slightly less alienated by the technicolour arsefestival Big Brother has become.
See you in a bit!
9pm- It’s starting! Good lord- with the rainbow coloured eye, Vegas showgirls and of course, nation’s favourite gay Brian Dowling (sorry Elton) the entire thing looks like a really low rent ITV gameshow. Right down to the neon £100,000 prize logo spinning quietly in the background.
They clearly decided to tone it down and make it less tacky this year.
9.07pm- if anyone’s playing the BB drinking game, take a swig now because they just used the word twist. Also- shouldn’t ‘twist’ mean something that is- to a degree at least- unexpected? There’s nothing unexpected about a twist on the first night of BB, it’s about as surprising as rain on a bank holiday or a couple having an argument in Ikea
Dina from Mumbai has been selected for the twist, and to be the first housemate to enter the Big Brother hellshack- sorry, ‘house’. She’s getting immunity from eviction this week but has to nominate three people tonight, live on air.
That’s not that exciting- they should have told her she had to bark like a dog every second minute and pretend she’s the Queen of India (no one in BB would know that’s not a thing).
9.12pm- The next victim – SORRY- housemate to come through the winking rainbow eye is Arran. Or possibly Aron. Or Aaaargh- Ron!
I hope it’s the latter.
Drinking game players- down your pint of meths now- he’s a model AND has a stupid haircut that entirely prevents him seeing out of one eye.
9.15pm- Oh dear GOD. The next housemate, Caroline, is like a cartoon version of a posh ‘yah’, complete with ridiculous backcombed blonde hair. She failed her AS levels and so is now on her second gap year. Her first was spent in Thailand where she got beaten up.
If you’re so annoying that you irritate other crusty, Trustafarian, over privileged backpackers then you’re in trouble. She must be some kind of poshness Satan.
9.23pm- Ex Playboy bunny Shievonne (really?) just said ‘bunnies don’t die’. She’s clearly never seen Watership Down.
Also, she claims to have never drank water, relying on fizzy drinks for her liquid intake. I’m the same, if by ‘fizzy drink’ you mean ‘lager’.
9.27pm- The next housemate is Conor, who walks like he’s shit himself and seems to be a cross between Guile from Street Fighter 2 and Ricky Martin- the Apprentice winner, not the latino singer. Basically, he looks like a particularly aggressive wall. He’s wearing ‘crushed strawberry’ (pink) trousers, but if you’re not a fan of the colour don’t worry- he’s unlikely to keep them on for long as he claims he likes to walk around in the nude.
9.31pm- The next housemate seems to be a weirdly smug-looking cross between Kylie, an Olson twin and Billie Piper called Lauren. She’s also a potato farmer. Or the child of a potato farmer. Or a potato- I might have glazed over a bit there. After she enters the house she works the room like a minor royal. Is she possibly Kate Middleton with a bad dye job?
9.35pm- Contestant number seven is Luke, a ruddy cheeked young fella who was born a woman. He’s now married and apparently a bit of a bumhead, because a) he’s going on Big Brother, b) has the Chinese symbol for ‘dangerous’ tattooed on one arm and c) just suggested he’d only cook for women in return for sexual favours, despite having a wife. Nice. Still, good to see the trans community represented- even if it’s the Luke shaped section of the community that reads Nuts magazine and describes himself as a ‘player’.
9.45pm- Next up is American Adam, although he’s actually British but was raised in the US. He has 14 sisters, which suggests his parents didn’t own a TV- lucky for them, as it means they won’t have to watch him make a twunt of himself on Channel 5. He also has a bunch of convictions for various crimes. Let’s hope for Caroline’s sake none of of them was for ‘idiotic posh girl battery in Thailand’.
9.47pm- It’s the Token Scottish Housemate! This one’s a giant from Edinburgh called Sara- although given the random spellings in this series it’s possibly ‘SAR- Argh’. She won Miss Edinburgh, allegedly, although I live there and I’ve never heard of that particular competition. There’s a Royal Highland Show, but that tends to be for cattle.
It was probably that.
She’s a fan of Margaret Thatcher and would like to be adopted by a pride of lions. Let’s hope that happens and that they all eat her.
9.50pm- It’s the token educated housemate! He’s a strange looking young man called Scott who’s looks like a gay Draco Malfoy and has a degree in something- possibly Potions. He’s worked as an Avon rep in the past- again, possibly Potions. I can’t help but like him, as he says he doesn’t like people who ‘big themselves up all the time’. Why are you going on BB then, you bleach-headed sailor version of John Barrowman?
9.58pm- I like how the crowd are all waving Union Jacks in the background, like they’ve got lost on the way to the Queen’s Jubilee concert. They must be wondering why Stevie Wonder, Elton John and Madness have pulled out at the last minute and been replaced by a potty mouthed, sex obsessed Essex girl called Ashleigh…although that’s assuming the BB crowd ‘think’ about anything at all- they’re people who are voluntarily standing in the rain to watch idiots walk into a building.
Ashleigh is hideous. She sounds like a seagull trapped in a cement mixer and is a fan of Justin Bieber. She’s so awful, in fact, that I’m going to hand over to Matthew Laidlow who’ll be taking over for the rest of the show. Thanks Matthew!
10.04pm – Hello, Matthew here taking over from Hilary, as she’s gone to rinse her brain out with salt water.
Are they still shipping them in? Number twelve is Luke who works in the club scene. So ladies of Liverpool, you might have seen him hanging around you with his rohypnol cocktail that selected people receive.
Luke wants four kids. Maybe he should speak to Adam’s dad on how to impregnate a woman. With his so called wacky antics, he’ll probably be up for eviction tonight.
10.11pm - Lydia is next and judging from Brian Dowling’s reaction, it seemed like she was going to be all Italian and exotic. Instead we find out that she’s married to Andy Scott Lee, brother of Lisa Scott Lee off of Steps.
Oh well. He’s told her to go in and be herself. Since she’s a dancer, this means she’ll have to prance around all summer to keep us all entertained. When she is eventually booted out, her and Andy can tour all the Z list clubs together. Aww, bliss.
Poor Lydia can’t drink alcohol due to a weak allergic reaction excuse. Therefore she’s just alienated herself from every other member of the house…unless she pretends that the apple juice she drinks sends her mental and makes jump around naked and throwing paint around.
10.21pm - Just a few more left. Benedict is next and is the next housemate that Big Brother has selected to piss off readers of The Daily Mail. You see, Benedict is a porn star who gets paid to shove his pork sausage in men and/or women- the only thing worse would be if he was also an immigrant. Based on his H&M like appearance, it seems unlikely that anyone will be searching for pictures of him naked. We’ll leave that to The Daily Star.
It seems strange that he used to be a school teacher. Christ only knows what made him want to literally drop everything and become a star in the glitzy world of grot- although it’s probably more fun than having chalk hurled at you by the delinquents in 4G. I wonder how many of the women on Babestation used to be Home Economics teachers?
10.25pm - We’re only thirteen seconds into Chris’s VT and he has already referenced TOWIE and his intentions of shagging something from Essex. Let’s hope he doesn’t get his own task where he spends twenty minutes in the garden with Ashleigh and a bottle of baby oil.
For a man wearing a pink shirt, it takes a lot to take him seriously as a bailiff or a bouncer. More like he’s on work experience or the bloke who posts the threatening letters to you. He’s like a miniature, helium addled Chris Moyles.
10.30pm – Last but by no means last is Victoria. It’d be boring to just dwell on the fact that she likes dogs and own six of the creatures. Instead, she was picked because she used to be a model with Playboy and all sorts of other magazines- probably magazines like Playboy rather than, say, What Car.
10.35pm - So all the housemates are in and Brian Dowling has reminded us for the 4589904th time that Deana has to nominate three people tonight. But get this! He’s ONLY GONE AND THROWN IN ANOTHER SURPRISE.
Deana has to do it face to face. How will the nominated cope? With anger? Fury? Or judging by some of them, they probably won’t realise and will spend their time pouring Champagne down their throats and looking for pineapple on sticks.
10.38pm – Big Brother sounds as threatening as a head of sixth form.
10.39pm – Deana wants to nominate Conor because she hasn’t spoke to him. Strange that since they only known each other for just over an hour. This is very awkward- it appears she’s trying to eat her own fists to get out of nominating anyone.
10.41pm - Victoria is next for the worst nomination reasons that Big Brother has witnessed- she has ‘evil eyes’. Well, that and because her dress clashes with the carpet.
Third to be nominated is Lydia who looks like she’s about to bottle Deana. That will at least give us some entertainment for a few days before we forget the show is still on.
10.43pm - As quick as that, the opening night is all over and comes complete with a fancy X-Factor highlights package which shows the erm…best moments of the night. Oh how we laughed at their standard comments of ‘I’ll stab you in the back’ and ‘if you don’t like my opinion, you can piss off.’
10.47pm - That’s it, go collect your belongings and as you switch off your TV, just try and see how many housemates’ names you’ll remember. Personally, I’ll go for three. If not, just refer to them by their glowing characteristics.
You know, there’s the chef who used to be a woman, the gap year girl, a really posh bloke who wants to convince us that he isn’t a stuck up twunt. Not a fan of those unique individuals? Then there’s a girl who used to be a Jersey potato or something and the yet another blonde from Essex. God bless that county- without it, reality TV would surely die out.
If you’re on the Twitters, you can follow us- @matthewlaidlow and @Hilary_W.