It’s the final episode, which means it’s time to watch all those scenes we’ve already seen at least twice, but from Jamie’s point of view to see if his back story will make us like him more. Or at all.
Pre-lottery winning Jamie is being followed by drug dealers after he made off with £2,000 of their product. They show the lengths they’re willing to go to to get it back, like tying him to a tree, dousing him with fake petrol (water) and making quips about Guy Fawkes.
Jamie is hilarious at being scared out of his mind, and begs for his life while shouting things like ‘I sold some stuff on eBay, I’m just waiting for the money to come through!’
Later, after Jamie wins the lottery, the big bad drug dealer (listed only as ‘Boss’ in the credits, with no indication if this is his first or last name) only wants him more. Boss starts stalking Jamie in the manner of a spurned lover, trashing his nightclub (the whole thing, not just the part Jamie owns, which seems unfair), and writing love notes that say things like ‘Nobody says no’ all over his car. It’s like a Hollyoaks version of Breaking Bad.
Elsewhere Stu is a shell of his former self. He’s fallen out of love with the mother of his children, and in love with his former colleague. Who happens to be living at his house, since she posted bail there after being arrested for stealing her own foster kid. He’s also wracked with guilt about staging a robbery at his place of work, despite the fact that it inadvertently saved Bob’s life.
His situation is even more confusing than that time in episode two when he had to explain how to rotate the yoghurts.
Leanne’s also pretty fed up, what with probably having her (stolen) daughter taken away from her and being in love with an unavailable man. She just flounces around mainly, but she has bought a nice new pair of harem pants to do it in.
It’s all a bit glum, but what better way to pep things up a bit than to head to South Africa, where Bob marries Annie amidst the wind chimes and some casual bumbling racism. After being pronounced man and wife they board their jeep and get down to some serious safari. ‘Is that a giraffe?!’ the groom exclaims. No, Bob. It’s a Brachiosaurus. You’re in Jurassic Park.
Bob and Annie are pretty rubbish tourists. The highlight of their South Africa analysis is this -
Bob: ‘It says in this menu that those mountains are two billion years old.’
Annie: ‘I expect they’ll be here long after we’ve gone.’
Do you think Annie? What with the average human life expectancy only being one billion years.
Later, Bob’s wheeled off to brain surgery, frantically reciting the order in which he wants the Bruce Springsteen back catalogue at his funeral. That’s the last we see of him until later, when the terminal cancer patient appears at Stu’s house, fresh from the airport and apparently all cured. Oh. That was easy.
Fortunately, the lottery adviser guy is round directing yet another photo shoot (the residents of Leeds clearly can’t get enough of this rags to riches tale) and captures the happy reunion on camera.
‘Money buys you power, so no one can get one over on you. No one can hurt you. My life’s completely changed.’ Jamie tells the interviewer, before dashing off to take part in a sting operation.
DCI Newall, who is possibly committing crimes himself by now in order to have a reason to keep showing up, has orchestrated a fake drug between Jamie and Boss. Boss is arrested, and sent to prison for a long time. However, Jamie’s jubilation is short lived: shortly afterwards he is arrested for armed robbery. His stupid brother’s morals finally kicked in and he shopped both himself and Jamie.
Jamie makes his escape, resulting in a high speed car chase. Sadly, Jamie’s ultimate downfall is that he failed to notice a traffic cone (whose entire design rests on the fact they are noticeable), crashed the car, and died.
Supermarket management lesson of the week
Ban your staff from ever having a syndicate. Right Buy You is probably full of squatters by now, for all we know.
Lottery winner tip of the week
Try to win in one of those ‘luckiest town in the UK’ towns. If you’re the only millionaire in your postcode, the lottery advisers will be wanting to pap you for months.
Extravagant purchase of the week
Jamie’s new suit led him to shout ‘Do you mind? I’ve just had this made!’ any time anyone came within two foot of him. Which is exactly what you should do when wearing an expensive suit.
Lessons of the series
If your life was messed up before, chances are it’ll remain that way no matter how much money you have. Drugs are bad. Traffic cones are orange, white, and usually best avoided.
Follow Kate on Twitter: @Katediamond