1) That Madame Tussauds might be able to sculpt a perfectly accurate replica of Freddie Mercury, but for some reason they can’t make a replica left handed guitar. Or a watch.
2) That you can get spycams that fit in your bird box. No, your bird box. No, stop it…it’s not intended to…oh never mind.
3) That it’s a bad idea to name a skincare product Raw, or any other word that sounds like a rash. Which is also why Sure’s new ‘Stingslikehell for Men’ deodorant range was hastily recalled.
So, what will we learn today? Well, this week’s episode is called Popcorn, so I can only assume we’ll find out that it’s a bad idea to create a watermelon flavoured savoury snack food and choose ‘Salty Poison’ as a brand name.
See you at 9!
9pm: Previously on Young Apprentice…the teams searched desperately for something called a ‘dashiki’, Zara paid eleventy billion pounds for a solid gold pocket watch and Hayley got fired despite being perfectly competent.
So, a fairly typical episode of the Apprentice, then.
9.05pm: What’s this, nice young people having an innocent game of ‘hit-the-ball’ in a luxury mansion’s garden? While Lord Sugar ‘secretly’ sneaks up on them to deliver some surprising news? If anyone has ‘obviously staged situations’ as one of their drinking game triggers, chug now.
“I’ve laid on three retailers for you’, says Our Lord.
All together now….”Didn’t they mind?”
This week, the Child-Sugars have to develop a new brand of popcorn. The twist? EVERYONE in the losing team will be fired. Haya, James and Zara (who, for some reason, has dyed her hair a different colour- is she now in the witness protection programme after defrauding Dot Cotton out of her gold-watch heirloom last week?) are in one team, both Harrys and Lizzie on the other.
So: two people with the same name in one team, and someone in disguise in the other. They’re clearly trying to mess with livebloggers. Good job I’m in the union….
*goes on strike*“no ifs, no buts, no putting two people with the same name on reality TV shows”
9.10pm: Harry H self nominates as the boss of Team, er, Electricity. Harry M thinks they should make popcorn for couples to share, called ‘Smoochies” . Isn’t that all popcorn, Harry? Have you ever heard anyone saying ‘no, this is ALL MINE. Every single kernel.”
Also, haven’t you learned from the Massive Error that was last series’ ‘Bix Mix‘?
9.15pm: Team Possibly Kinetic, headed by Zara, have decided to go for Mediterranean flavoured popcorn. Um, salt-and-seaweed flavour? Oh, wait, they mean ‘flavours of the Mediterranean’, rather than ‘tastes of sea’.
Haya comes up with the name ‘Medi-Culture-Corn’, which sounds like some kind of soothing toe-patch. If anyone’s drinking on ‘misguided brand names that sound like a cure for a hideous foot condition’, down yours now.
9.18pm: Harry M’s team have decided to go with a maple syrup flavoured US-inspired brand, but he wants to stick with the brand name ‘Smoochies’. Not particularly American, really. Although there’s a small chance at least one person in America has a toy poodle with that name….probably Paris Hilton.
Harry H and Lizzie rail against ‘Smoochies’ and get their mini-Boris Johnson overlord to agree with a name change. He eventually agrees to go with Empire State instead, although he strops and sulks like a five year old.
9.22pm: The other team have decided that ‘MediCultureCorn’ isn’t the best name for, well, anything…so they change the brand name to ‘La Popcorn’ instead. Let’s hope for their sake that ‘Popcorn’ means popcorn in French, and they haven’t just called it ‘The Catanus’.
“La Popcorn is a name that sounds like it’s a little bit from abroad”, says Zara.
No, no it doesn’t. It sounds like its a lot from Britain.
9.28pm: I like how the room that the teams are pitching to the airline in looks like a plane. More companies should make their offices look like their product.
Lord Sugar could fire people from a boardroom that looks like the inside of a giant E-m@iler.
9.30pm: It’s just come to my attention that Empire State comes in not one, but TWO flavours: a moderately acceptable maple syrup flavour and…barbeque chicken.
Sorry, chicken popcorn? That’s not particularly American. I’d have gone for Coke and Elevated Risk of Gun Crime flavour.
9.32pm: After the Literal Airline pitch, the teams have to sell to Morrison’s.
La Popcorn seems to (inexplicably) go down quite well. Or would have done, if Zara hadn’t said ‘THREE MILLION’ in a panicked squeak when asked what they’d accept as a minimum order. Harry M said that their ‘American’ (i.e. chicken flavoured) popcorn might help them sell more DVDS.
Yes Harry, in the same way stocking ‘La Popcorn’ would help them sell more baguettes, wine and berets.
9.35pm: The boardroom!
Lord Sugar: “I laid on three people…”
All together now…”No wonder that bloke from the Odeon looked a bit grumpy”.
9.37pm: James: “I think the name La Popcorn” is creative”.
Alan: “It’s French for ‘The Popcorn’.”
9.43pm: The American popcorn,
Twin Towers, sorry, Empire State, sells quite well, shifting 90,000 units. Bloomin’ heck. Maybe Morrison’s thinks chicken flavoured styrofoam is the Next Big Thing.
Well, I suppose people thought dairy flavoured plastic wouldn’t catch on, but now Cheese Strings have a 99% market share.
But…eek…La Popcorn comes from behind, shifting 110,000 units. That’s a hell of a lot of grim, herby MediCorn the British public are going to have to suffer through. Isn’t it bad enough that we have a failing economy without making us eat falafel and halloumi flavoured packaging pellets?
Well, it’s goodbye to Team Harry in its entirety. Poor chaps: their maple syrup and pancake nothingballs sounded a lot more palatable than the chorizo, feta, olives, basil, garlic and Dolmio version peddled by their rivals.
But Team Zara aren’t getting away scot free. Despite winning, one of them is going to get fired too: an Apprentice first. And, arguably, entirely unfair. But hey, fairness is to the Apprentice what rational brand names are to the teams….rarely encountered.
9.51pm: Lord Sugar says Zara is ‘aloof’. She didn’t want to get her hands dirty and ‘actually make the stuff’, having to be cajoled into doing it.
Can you blame her? Would you willingly put houmous-and-paella flavouring into popcorn? I’m surprised she didn’t throw it across the room, weeping ‘NO! Not in my name!’
James, when asked to justify why he should stay, trots out the traditional ‘because I want it really badly!’ defence.
Remind me to use that at my next job interview. “So, Hilary, why do you want to be in charge of the Hawaii division?”
“Because I REALLY want to go. It’s really WARM there. OhgodohgodohgodPLEASE.”
9.55pm: According to Suralun, Haya is tough, determined, not afraid to take a risk, sensible….but wait, hang on- she’s wearing orange trousers.
No, Haya! Get out of there! It’s not safe! RUN!
Argh…it’s too late. Quick as a flash, she’s fired.
9.57pm: Didn’t she learn anything from Ben’s eye-melting pink shirt in Week Two? Never, ever, wear a brightly coloured garment to the board room. Lord Sugar’s like a dinosaur: he can’t see you if you wear neutral colours.
Haya’s whisked off in the limo of ‘hey, good job!’ rather than the adult sized Taxi of Failure.
Let’s hope third prize is 100,000 boxes of sun-dried tomato-and-kebab flavoured popcorn.
9.59pm: Well, that’s that! Just one episode left, and a James and Zara final. I have to say, I’ve really warmed to James: more so since he faced the camera this week and fessed up that the popcorn they’d created tasted like cheese-flavoured badger’s wee (I may be paraphrasing slightly).
So who are you backing for the final? Leave your thoughts in the comment box below and I’ll see you next week. Don’t forget to stock up on lemon-and-stuffed-vine-leaf flavoured popcorn and frozen watermelon-mush!
You can follow Hilary on Twitter, where she goes by the inscrutable name of @Hilary_W