A TV review originally written for the lovely chaps at Watch With Mothers
I’ve watched Come Dine With Me a few times, but I wouldn’t say I’m a regular viewer. It’s that snarky voiceover man, Dave Lamb. He drives me mad.
Taking the piss out of reality TV?
That’s my job.
Last night’s episode featured Calum ‘my dad played the footballs’ Best, Sam ‘I did a singing once’ Fox, Jeff Goody-Brazier and Janice Dickinson, the self-styled ‘world’s first supermodel’. I suspect she’s telling the truth about that, if only because she looks like a desiccated Egyptian mummy. World’s first supermodel? Yes, if by ‘supermodel’ you mean Queen Khenemetneferhedjet I Weret of the 12th dynasty.
If you were an Egyptologist who’d always wanted to see the badly preserved remains of a female pharaoh dry-hump Calum Best’s freezer compartment before flashing her ‘special place’, chances are this episode was a dream come true. If not, then she was the worst dinner guest since notorious poison-peddler Lucrezia Borgia. In fact, I’m pretty sure Calum would have chosen a good poisoning over having a melted waxwork of Courtney Cox draped across his lap, screaming incoherently about mushrooms.
It didn’t take long for the episode to descend into a food-based comedy of errors. Janice’s meal seemed to be one dish split three ways. She served a giant bowl of tomato pasta for starter, and then went with a piece of fish and about 300 mushrooms for the main course. Why not plonk it all together and have mushroomy fishy tomato pasta? Saves dirtying an extra pan, innit?
I quite enjoyed it when Sam Fox introduced Janice to her long term partner Myra Stratton, who looks like a hefty, wobble-armed lady wrestler.
“I didn’t know you were a lesbian,” yodelled Janice.
“I don’t like labels,” retorted Sam.
Come on, Sam. 11 years with someone who looks like Myra? Face it: you’re gayer than a flock of rainbows.
Without Janice, it would have been dull. With her, it descended into Carry On Cooking. It was a no-win situation. Jeff Brazier came across as likeable but unutterably bland, like a plateful of boiled air. Calum was tetchy and pretentious. Sam was alright, however. I liked her, even though she did describe The Sun as a ‘family newspaper’ and Page 3 as ‘just a bit of fun’.
Family newspaper? Hardly. It’s got naked ladybits in!
If that’s what passes for family friendly these days, then I can’t wait for the next Pixar movie: ‘2 Girls, One Cup: 3D’.